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A guide to swingers etiquette

A few handy tips to make sure you don’t get kicked out before youmve even had the chance to take your clothes off.

1: Be hygienic

A no-brainer, surely? Apparently not. There are people out there – grubby bastard people – who step out of the house in search of indiscriminate sex without showering first.

”Freshening up your bits is essential,” says Charles, a man I met last year while researching an article on Club 487, the South London porn cinema. ”Here’s a tip: bring a can of talc with you and dab it on before you hit the venue. It’ll dry you out and make you smell of lilacs. Lovely!”

2: Wrap up and bring your own toys

Another no-brainer. Most clubs have condoms discreetly placed around the place in handy bowls, so you should be OK, but make sure you bring your own stash just in case. There’s no point in going to a sex party if you can’t have sex with anyone.

Another note on preparation: don’t rely on the venue to supply vibrators, nipple clamps or any other paraphernalia you might require. Bring your own. And don’t get too eager. As Nina, a regular attendee of swingers events in Manchester and London, says: ”Toys have their place at an orgy, but always ask before using them on anyone.”

3: Have a high disappointment threshold

Don’t go out expecting Eyes Wide Shut, or, for that matter, anything resembling the idea you have in your head; you’re much more likely to find a room full of people who look like your aunts and uncles. While there are many very beautiful people into swinging – and upmarket events that cater to them, such as Killing Kittens and Elite Parties – chances are your average local sex party will be a little more low-key.

Realise, too, that group sex is not always what it’s cracked up to be. Dave, another swinger friend, says: ”I had a threesome on two occasions, both of which rank very high on my list of most profound regrets.”

4: Get the most attractive partner to approach other couples

Assuming you go as a couple (going as a single guy isn’t a great look, and going as a single girl will invite mass attention, which you may or may not be comfortable with), it’s a good rule of thumb to get the most attractive of you to approach the other couples in the room.

”Ange always goes in first,” says Charles of his wife. ”Charms them. She’s not a bad looker still, and that reels them in.”

5: Leave your smartphone in the cloakroom

Perhaps unsurprisingly, devices with inbuilt cameras and social media apps are not at all welcome at swingers events. Photographing and then sharing a scene – even if it’s one you are involved with – is not OK.

6: Leave when you’re done

The whole point of anonymous sex is that it’s anonymous. After you’ve finished with another couple, don’t make the mistake of trying to hang out with them. Familiarity breeds contempt, after all. And also: it’s just kind of awkward and weird – nobody likes a hanger-on, especially when they’re naked and grinning at you.

On the same note: don’t let your conversations before or after get too deep – much better to leave things shallow and superficial, according to swinger Bern.

7: No means no

The final rule, but quite obviously the most important. Swingers events may be populated by people who are generous with the physical expression of their sexuality, but they are never a free-for-all. Unless you get unequivocal consent, then back the fuck off.

A guide to strip club etiquette

Going to a strip club is a complete sensory overload: between the flashing lights, the blaring music, and the thick scent of perfume – plus, you know, the naked ladies – it can be hard to get your bearings…

What’s the standard tipping protocol?
Actually, some things vary widely, like tipping and touching. Check for posted rules of conduct, or ask the staff.

Am I supposed to tip even if I’m not by the stage?
Gee whiz, it sure would be nice! In big, arena-type clubs, it might seem arduous to peel your ass from a chair, walk to the stage, and give €5 to the woman who is upside down on the stage, but it sure is the right thing to do.

Who else do I tip?
Tips are appreciated by anybody who is doing you a service. Is there a door guy at the entrance? A cocktail waitress or waiter? Did the DJ just play your favorite song? Hook’em up!

Does a private dance include a tip as well?
The flat rate of a private dance is usually the house rate, and overwhelmingly, any gratuity will be accepted graciously.

What happens if I get aroused?
I get it: you’ve just seen and are very near to boobs. Your corpus cavernosum is engorged, trapped in your pants. I suggest that you keep your hands down and your tongue in your mouth. Heavy breathing, light moans – those are all par for my course. Strippers are all used to clients popping boners in their chair. And the best thing to do is breathe deeply and enjoy the ride. If you feel yourself getting TOO excited, think about Paula Deen. Unless, of course, that’s your thing.

If my wife and I go in for a private dance together, do we have to pay more?
Does your wife breathe air and take up space? If she’s a real person, and not just a figment of your imagination, yes, she is a patron as well, and the cost goes up.

Is it appropriate to buy dancers a drink?
Yes and No. Not all of us imbibe while on the job, since 6in stilettos and pole work don’t really equate to safe working conditions. Yet some of us can’t really flex our butts to a staccato beat until we’ve had at least one tequila sunrise. Please offer, but if the dancer declines, feel free to tip her a few bucks for talking to you. Time = money, even when the seller is peddling intangibles.

What’s up with touching?
Ask.

What’s your real name?
Ugh, you want to play that game? Stripper pseudonyms exist for a few reasons. One, for the dancer’s personal safety, since, as will likely be apparent in the comments of this piece, many members of the general public would love to see us harmed. (So dark!) Also, my moniker sets me apart from the other strippers on shift. How boring would it be if Stephanies, Emilys, and Sarahs surrounded you? Give me a Nadia, Fabiana, or Lux any night of the week.

Can I take a picture with you?
Maybe! Asking politely will do wonders! And as much as I love being tagged on Instagram, not all of us do. A picture says a thousand words, but one snapped without consent is actually a misdemeanor in most countries, and can land you a few hundred in fines or legal fees.

How do I decline a lap dance?
”No thank you, but I appreciate your asking.” And that’s it.

What do we talk about?
Whatever you want! How much you hate your ex-wife. How concerned you are about your son’s failing grades. How you can’t wait to take your boat out. How you think Bernie Sanders is a good guy but has absolutely no chance, other than splitting the Democratic ticket. Just don’t be racist, homophobic, or misogynistic. Save that for the confession booth. Or a licensed therapist. Or your bigoted friends.

”Thanks for saying hi, but I’m actually waiting for the girl with the red hair and white heels.” If the stripper is a pro, you’ve just saved you and her time and energy. Just please don’t ask me to go get her: that’s like calling Domino’s and asking for the location to Pizza Hut

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